If only the institutions of Christian higher education would concentrate on the passing on of scriptural principles to their students; if only they would assist them in forming healthy habits of prayer, service and Bible study; if only they would provide the necessary tools to help their students genuinely empower and equip the flock; if only they would put the advancement of God’s Kingdom above their own agenda, then I wouldn’t need to be writing this article.

            The problem is that these institutions, and the denominations that sponsor them, do just as much, if not more, to advance their own ends through the students that they take in.  As each student passes through the curriculum, he or she will usually acquire many of the worldly, self-promotional tactics that are used to perpetuate some elements of church life that God never intended for there to be at all.  Of course, we know that very few graduates, and even fewer professors, would admit that they ever played church politics or passed on those “skills” to others.  Nor would they admit that building the Kingdom of God is not necessarily the building of their own little kingdom under the banner of a church.  Nor would they admit that their standard approach to things is most likely too inflexible, too compromising  or too mediocre to be truly effective.  Nor would they admit that most of them would stop doing anything for God at all if the money were not there.

            Here now from the home office, and in paragraph format with my commentary after each category, is the top ten list that couldn’t be stopped at just ten.  This is the list of the sixteen worst bits of polity (though certainly not the only ones) that students at Christian colleges, seminaries, etc., take with them when they leave.

The CEO’s management skills

1.  Churches must be run like businesses.  Never mind that the New Testament gives us organic illustrations of how the Church should function.  Never mind that the Biblical framework teaches us to work through very human relationships.  Never mind that we never see the true Church portrayed in some mechanized fashion.  The business model is how people see things in all the facets of their lives these days anyway, so that is how any potentially successful church must present the Gospel.

2.  Ministries, like businesses, need suitable headquarters; therefore, build wisely.  See to it that the sanctuary looks as good as possible—practical concerns can be considered later.  Never mind that most of the building is only there for use one day a week; you never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

3.  Mastering the science of fund raising is as important as anything else in ministry.  Learn how to pull firmly on the heartstrings of the congregation, and don’t take “no” for an answer.  Remember that the studies show that there are thirteen times throughout the year that are especially good for making appeals; make full use of all of them.  It really is OK to serve God AND mammon, but you don’t have to admit that.

4.  You must approach your ministry as you would any other career; ambition and self-promotion are important.  After all, it is your preaching skills and leadership which carry the church, thus it will take on your “personality.”  Keep in mind that many people do not refer to a specific church by its name, but as “Pastor So-and-so’s church,” so use that to your advantage.

5.  Remaining relevant to the surrounding culture is the best motivation for change in the way the church should operate.  Remember that businesses are always adapting their business models to fit in to the surrounding societal climate, and your church should be no different.  Every fad is a new opportunity to be more relatable in your outreach.

How often have we ever seen in Scripture that the slick packaging and carefully crafted presentation of the message of Jesus made it any more acceptable?  If we ever see a particular quality in the original Church leadership which in any way mimics the modern idea of professionalism in dealing with the masses, without a doubt it is always imposed from our perspective.  When we abandon our reliance upon the Holy Spirit and the preparations of prayer and Scripture for a pre-concocted show, we leave behind more than just history.

Lording over the laity

6.  Laymen cannot minister as effectively as you; therefore if any of your people show promise, send them to us for training.  We can rid them of their independent thinking and the undoubtedly faulty ideas that they get from reading the Bible on their own without us there to provide our special interpretation.  We can then mold them into the special kind of laborers which will be of help to you and to us.

7.  Good personnel management can only be maintained if subordinate ministries and church programs are not allowed to step outside your/our prescribed boundaries.  It is too easy for a strong program within a church to become a little church unto itself, and then eventually break off and try to start a separate rogue group.  It is not good for you or for them if they can too easily branch out.  The safest course of action is to make yourself a member of every committee in an “ex-officio” capacity, even if you don’t know anything about the special skill requirements of the other members.

8.  Maintaining loyalty requires keeping tight control; so in order to prevent “sheep stealing,” you should discourage your people from joining parachurch ministries that are not approved by you or by us.  Many such ministries were formed under strong leaders who could prove to be tough competition for you, so instead, guide your people to our own denomination’s programs.

9.  The “use ‘em or lose ‘em” philosophy really works.  Laymen who can be volunteered for ministry within the church will develop a sense of responsibility for that work and will stay with you to maintain their stake in it.  It doesn’t really matter how insignificant the busywork is—keep them at it.

10.  If your workers get “burned out,” tell them that it is only because they failed to rely on God.  If they begin to suspect that all that work is really to back you and the church programs and not really for the Lord, they will scurry away as quickly as they can.  The real reason that we get them to do all that anyway is to keep you from having to do it and burning yourself out in the process.

Is it really necessary to be so distrustful of the flock?  If this is our approach, we will omit by default the empowerment of God in the lives of all the body for leadership as well as service.  Church leaders usually see this as job protection, since their attitude is sullied by the concept that what they are doing is as much a career as it is anything else.

Sheep are dumb animals

11.  People listening to sermons do so at a fifth grade (or perhaps lower) level.  It has taken us several generations to get the pew-fillers to dumb down their listening skills so that their minds will be numbed properly and they will accept whatever pat answers we put out without question.  Lull them to sleep if you must; just don’t blow it for us now.  Make sure that the expectations are low enough and the people remain gullible enough to take it all in like children.

12.  Our denomination’s “doctrinal distinctions” must be preserved and maintained—therefore, if any of your members question or challenge our statement of faith, that one should be considered suspicious and must not be allowed to influence anyone else.  At the very least, it is only fair to suggest that that person should find a church that believes as he or she does; that will appeal to their gregarious nature and at the same time stop them from rocking your boat.

13.  The methods of preaching and communicating that we will teach you are the most effective.  There are several useful ways to exploit the intellectual shortcomings of any congregation.  Remember this:
            If you can always make your doctrine rhyme,
            Then people will believe it every time;
            If you can spell it out from A to Z,
            Then people will remember easily.

Challenges and questions are healthy.  Anyone who is genuinely looking for the truth should have available to them the rich writings of the thinkers of the past who have asked many of the same questions, and no sharp mind should be castigated for making an honest inquiry.  Of course, too many teachers have trouble resisting the temptation to offer scripted replies which insult the intelligence of the seeker and are presented in a manner that suggests that a pat answer should solve everything.  Such an outlook tends to be more deprecatory than beneficial to the well-being of an open-minded person, and by design actually arrests their development.

Chain of Control

14.  Your spiritual authority for ministry is derived from your ordination by us.  You’ve been through the schooling and made the grades, so you must have been called and blessed to do this work.  But now we have trained and examined you, so you are truly ready.  If you decide to abandon our techniques, you will be cordially invited to find another denomination to work in, or to go independent, as you surrender your papers to us and experience the “left foot of fellowship.”

15.  In case of moral failure on your part, the denomination’s leadership will set your path back to wholeness.  We have experience in these matters, and our standard prescription has always worked just fine.  So just stay with the program and you’ll eventually be okay.

16.  Only other pastors can really know what you go through sometimes; so for the sake of true confidentiality, you should only open your heart to other pastors or leaders in our denomination; or if you have friends who pastor in similar churches in your town, it might be acceptable to confide in them, too.

This is a very subtle idea, yet it supports the notion that the denomination-trained graduate is spiritually superior to any of the laymen in the congregation.  By extension, according to this way of thinking only doctors should counsel other doctors, only singles should counsel other singles, etc., but the pastor can counsel anybody by virtue of his or her institution-based qualifications.  This attitude results in damaging the pastor as much as anyone by isolating him or her from the potential benefit of able and talented persons who don’t happen to be of his profession but might offer some real help.  Those who are trained as counselors apart from pastoral training learn to develop ways to deal with the temptation of egotistical separation from others and avoid such pitfalls.

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            Not every Bible College is this debased or takes their inculcations quite this far, but they all invariably mix some degree of worldliness in with their advice on the care and maintenance of a local body.  There is no escaping the presence of the bad leaven in this lump.  Not only does the current state of the training of “clergy” imply the need for this kind of thinking, but the mere fact of the existence of the clergy-laity concept creates a de facto first-class/second-class division among believers which is not dissimilar to the idea of a “special knowledge” class characteristic of the Gnostics of the first and second centuries.

            Is it possible to simply ignore the degradation of the quality of church that this mode of operation yields?  Perhaps it is possible for believers with clearer vision to ignore the effects on their own lives, and to practice a more true-to-Scripture way of corporate life alongside that which the institutional church monolith foists upon us.  It might even be possible for some who have received or are receiving seminary or Bible college training to ignore the muddied water of business-based polity practices and lead their flocks according to the Biblical example—or as one old wise man put it, “eat the meat and throw away the bones.”  Certainly some already have; I can only pray that more will soon advance that far.